Isn’t it crazy …


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Isn’t it crazy how one person can make or break just about anything?

So, I’m in this program at my school.  And I hate it. 

I haven’t always hated it.  Just this year.  I joined my freshman year and I loved it all the way up until my Junior Year, when the teacher in charge of the program retired.  

-Let me clarify what love means here.  When I say I loved this program I mean that I loved absolutely everything about it.  I never ever ever wanted to miss a day of class or miss a meeting.  I was absolutely completely in love with ever person in the program in the best way possible, even the people I wasn’t too fond of.  It was truly the definition of a second home to me.  So much so that, at times, I wanted it to be my first home.  I loved that I didn’t know everything, but could completely trust that someone(s) else did and they would gladly jump on the opportunity to help me.  I loved the competitive, sporadic, crazy, fun, educational environment of the program.  I LOVED it.

Then, the teacher in charge retired.  I cried when we had to say bye, even though I knew that he would still come to our weekly meetings and say hi.  

The next year, everything was completely different.  The administration decided that there was no way one person could possibly be in charge of this large, complex program, and they delegated it to multiple teachers, none of whom had been involved…really at all prior.  They were all horrible.  I know this sounds like it should be a good thing, and I would usually agree, but they tried to organize the program.  In doing so, they disorganized and over complicated it.  Everyone who knew how the program should be was angry.  The teacher that used to be in charge visited every meeting at the beginning of the year, but by the second month, even he felt uncomfortable there, and left.  

My original teacher meant the world to me, and he made the program everything that it was, and he shaped me into the person I am today.

The new people changed it, not in a good way in my opinion. I know they weren’t trying to, but they broke the program I loved.  


are you a runner or a runner?


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Italo Calvino said: The more enlightened our houses are, the more their walls ooze ghosts. Describe the ghosts that live in this house: I

mage credit: “love Don’t live here anymore…” – © 2009 Robb North – made available under Attribution 2.0 Generic


Okay…Mr.Inspire-Me…I’m not that uninspired.  I won’t tell you what’s in that house.  But I will tell you what that quote means to me.  It means that the more educated people are and the more aware they are, the more they see the wrong that’s been done to them in the past.  And the more those wrongs ooze from the walls, the more chaos there is.

Once someone recognizes the oozing, they have one choice: they can run from it.

They can run from it at the start, by choosing to tell themselves that they knew of these wrong-doings all along, so clearly nothing has changed in their life.  Or they can ignore the ooze completely, and block out everything that is running all over the walls of the tiny, beaten house they reside in. Regardless, they are running in their minds from the truth, and ignoring the gift (or curse) of enlightenment that was bestowed upon them.

If they don’t run from the ooze initially, they fight it.  They can fight it by questioning or facing the enlighten-er. But just the mere word “fight” leads to an uncomfortable situation.  The fight soon leads to the aggressor scaring off the defender, or becoming scared or frustrated and running from the fight themselves.  Regardless of the intentions, forming a gap between the two.  

Ooze is never a good thing, but can it be blamed on enlightenment?

I for one am all of these people when put in the right situation.  But most of the time, I’m either the one who tells themselves they knew there was ooze all along, or shrinks away when they fight and become challenged. I’m even worse than that though, because in addition to shrinking away, I’m the person that tells themselves that its because I’m “strong enough to win without a war”.

I’m not proud of being a runner, but I’m too embarrassed to admit ignorance and too proud to admit defeat.  

New Me

So I tried to start a blog before, and I only used it three times.  I tried to be mysterious and not me and I thought that by speaking my mind a few times I would be all the rave. 

Welll…that didn’t work. So now this is going to be kind of like my diary and if anyone actually sees it, please don’t tell my mom about the things I say.